How to Make a Pharisee Pie.

Author Notes

I was recently caught in the act of some judgmental finger pointing of “those Christians” and one of my “court jester” friends was candid enough to expose me. I wrote this as a sort of expiation of my sin, and of course cannot know if I am not playing the hypocrite in pointing the finger at hypocrisy. This is so neurotic, but still quite fun. Hope you enjoy it.

Assemble the following key ingredients:

1. Pride. Always begin here. Substitutions not allowed. The more, the better.

2. Two bowls: one for “Us” and one for “them.” Be sure to keep these separate. The “Us” bowl should be elaborate and intricately designed for public display. The “them” bowl should be as plain and unattractive as possible. Anything that doesn’t meet your uncompromising standards should go into the “them” bowl.

3. Rules. Rules are of the utmost importance. Select those that are more complicated and impossible to follow.

4. Insecurity. When selecting this ingredient, be careful to choose the nagging unwanted variety that threatens the pain of self-examination.

5. Social Approval. The best sources of this ingredient are established institutions or high paying “glamour” occupations. Possession of luxury items and symbols also works well for this requirement.

6. Self-Sufficiency. It is important to the “better than” flavor of this recipe that there be no dependence on some “Higher Power.” You will often find this ingredient in the same shopping section when looking for pride.

Initial preparation:

1. Cleanliness: it is essential that you do not involve yourself in the messiness or filth of life. Do not touch such people.

2. Follow the book literally. Rules are of the utmost importance. Do not confuse or complicate matters by seeking to know the spirit of the law. The law is quite good enough.

3. Examine your many virtues, and lay out for easy access your many good deeds of the past.

4. Preheat the oven to 360 degrees of fault-finding, but be careful to avoid feeling any of the heat yourself.

Mixing:

Using a hand-held pointing device, stir a double measure of pride and insecurity until they reach a heavy consistency. Be careful to let nothing stick to yourself. If you find any lumps or specks, of course, remove those to the “them” bowl immediately. Add rules, and more rules. Don’t skimp here. Rules will lend a wonderful fullness and shape to your pie.

Carefully place the pie in the oven for a life time. This pie, to reach its full glory, must be baked day to day. Of course, this award winning dessert is not meant to be eaten (many find it bitter), but is intended for appearances only. It is best to bring the pie out for display a few times a day under carefully controlled conditions. If you’ve followed our instructions, we’re sure your friends and neighbors will be most impressed.